Thursday, July 17, 2008

Day Four: Bad Cracker! BAD!

I get up to go pee, and Josh turns on me. I didn't ask to have to go pee, you know. Josh said I was made that way. You people want this out of a savior? Sure, I crack-napped him and sometimes menace him by holding him over my dog's head, but what about turning the other cheek?

Actually, I'm just kidding. Josh and I patched things up. He said he was sorry, and I said I wouldn't perch him on the toilet seat all night. (He might be King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Top of the Pops, and so on, but let's remember who the alpha dog is here.)

So what happens if I turn Josh agnostic? I've been reading some of Sam Harris' Letter to a Christian Nation to him, and I know I saw him looking thoughtful.

Harris: "Add to this abject mythology surrounding one man's death by torture... the symbolic cannibalism of the Eucharist. Did I say 'symbolic'? Sorry, according to the Vatican it is most assuredly not symbolic."

Josh: "Dude."

And when I ask him about why a useless "miracle" like transubstantiation when we have cancer, Alzheimer's, and Hurricane Katrinas, he gets positively grumpy. Maybe I need to give him a Bible to leaf through when I'm in the bathroom.

Oh, and someone suggested showing him The Passion of the Christ. I tried that, and he had some sort of Nam flashback. So I took pity on him and let him watch my Muppet Show DVDs. He loved it. He was all "Verily I say until you: wakka wakka wakka!"

Anyway, no word today from the Catholics, but big thanks to the Skepchicks for the shoutout. (I appreciate the support, ladies, and I'll see you all in hell.) Tomorrow will bring another demand, I'm afraid. I'll give you a hint: condoms. Lots of condoms.

5 comments:

Velvet74 said...

If you do end up eating Josh, might I suggest a nice topping? They are pretty tasteless, especially without the blood of christ chaser.

I'm thinking a nice can of Easy Cheese.

Roger said...

Just had to say - KEEP IT UP. I've been following Crackergate closely, and this blog is far and away the best bit.

As to what to do if they don't rescue Josh - well, as I suggested on the Freethinker website, get some more of his buddies, crush them into a fine powder, use them to stuff a teddy bear and then call the bear Mohammed. Step back and watch the fireworks !!

Rog

Bruce said...

Did you call the cracker Josh cuz you read Lamb by Christopher Moore? I hope so.
Ask Josh this for me: doing the math, if each hosty cracker weighs in at 1/10th of an ounce, that's 160 per lb. Assuming JC was a big strapping carpenter dude of 200 lbs, that means if more that 32000 Catholix eat mass on a given day, someone's going to be eating a faux host. The apologists will probably say that not all the cracker is made up of God but that seems like a ripoff to me.

Bodach

CrackerBandit said...

I've read other comments about the best way to take a Eucharist. Apparently, straight-with-no-chaser is *not* recommended. I don't know how the Catholics do it every week. Maybe that's why they lunge for the blood right after?

I am a fan of peanut butter, but the cheese seems more appropriate somehow. I think I'll market something called "Jeez Whiz" for precisely this situation. You can spray in in your mouth right before you get to the front of the line, swallow your cracker, and wash it all down. We could do cheddar, port wine, bleu jeez... Hmmmm....

I like the bear idea, too. If I can get the Catholics and Muslims angry with me at once, maybe they'll show up at the same time and have a pitched battle in the cul-de-sac, and I can escape out the back.

As for Lamb, I came to the name "Josh" first, then almost immediately remembered that wholly awesome book. I had started with "Yeshua," then shortened it to "Yesh," but that sounded too much like a Sean Connery impersonation. Then "Josh" popped into my head, followed by my memory of Chris Moore's book about 10 seconds later.

I'll talk to Josh about the math, but it might take awhile for him to understand. Look at the math in the Bible! I'm not sure I can get him to understand fractions, much less weights and measures. But we'll see what he says -- he's pretty sleepy from being smuggled in to the midnight Batman movie last night...

the mad LOLscientist said...

Nothing but the best for Josh. Gotta be Cheeses of Nazareth!

IMO, Catholics do the cracker thang every week precisely to get at the blood. Yummy wine! On that score they've got it right. Somehow we Baptists got the bogus message that Jeeebus turned water into Welchade. Lame, lame, lame........