Monday, July 14, 2008

Day One: I Have Kidnapped an Orphaned Eucharist

On July 7, 2008, WOFL in Orlando gave us the story of Webster Cook. Cook is a student at UCF who, for reasons apparently best left unexplored, took a Eucharist from a Catholic mass and walked off with it, instead of eating it. Catholics around the world shrugged off such an inconsequential act of sacrilige and went on with their lives.

No, wait. Sorry. Actually, they went batshit. Local Catholic spokesperson Susan Fani (and since when have women who were NOT the Virgin Mary been allowed to speak for the Catholics?) called this a "hate crime" and Cook has been receiving death threats.

Then noted atheist blogger PZ Myers, an associate biology professor at the University of Minnesota, Morris, got wind of it. He offered to teach the Catholics what disresect really is, if someone would send him a consecrated communion wafer.

Naturally, this reminder that not everyone views rituals from the Dark Ages with reverence sent the Catholics into a rage that made their anger against Cook (who returned his wafer - I wonder what the Catholics did with it?) seem as nothing. Bill Donohue, silly human being and Catholic League president, went into a spittle-flecked fury, and is trying to get Dr. Myers fired from his job. Dohohue also said that the promise to do something naughty to a piece of Jesus' flesh is so bad that "[i]t is hard to think of anything more vile than to intentionally desecrate the Body of Christ."

Personally, I can think of a number of thing, including many the Catholics have been involved with. But that's beside the point.

All this made me realize two things about the Catholics, or at least their spokespeople:
  1. They are filthy rich
  2. They are insane
So I have liberated a consecrated communion wafer from their pious claws. Its name is Josh and it is being treated well -- far better, in my opinion, than being chewed, swallowed, digested, and excreted.

I won't tell you from where I took this wafer. If you are that interested, the Catholics will probably be filing missing person reports, so watch your police blotters.

Soon I will make my demands known to the Catholics. They have deep pockets and no common sense, and I have bills to pay.

Stay tuned.


Anonymous said...

No comments? Really? Wow.

Anyway, this is so awesome! I can't believe people think not transforming a piece of Jesus' flesh into fecal matter inside your intestines is disrespectful! Keep it up, and try not to get assassinated. I'd hate to see your little experiment get cut short.

the mad LOLscientist said...

When it comes out the other end, is it holy $#!+?

Whatever the case, don't tell the Poop - oops, I meant Pope!