Monday, July 28, 2008

Day 15: Josh Tweets!


With the death of PZ's cracker and the sushi-laden philosophical conversation afterwards ("But if you are all part of the same person, no one is really dead. At the worst, you have a numb spot, and you have a good track record with leprosy..."), Josh is feeling a little disconnected. I can certainly understand that.

At least I talked him out of the black armband. Josh forgets that he's a limbless wafer about the size of a Susan B. Anthony dollar. It would have to be a black belt. It would look more like he was a martial arts master than someone crippled by grief.

(Sorry, Josh. I didn't mean Susan B. Anthony. I meant "the bitch that started all the trouble." Josh here isn't a fan of women's suffrage. I think it's how he was raised.)

So while we're waiting for the Catholics to knock it off with the pride and arrogance, I've set Josh up so he can interact with his followers, well-wishers, and whomever else.

To check Josh's wisdom nuggets, register at, and start following JoshChrist. He wants to be inspired by you people, and with luck will do some inspiring of his own.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Day 14: Were You Worried?

No updates for a few days. I was laying low to make God think he managed to shoot down my plane. Nice aim, goober!

Still, gotta give him his props. He did almost strand me at my layover city (Philly). You have to murder a lot of people there before people stop thinking you're a tourist (and then murder you).

Things have been a little glum at Cracker HQ.
PZ Myers killed his, and Josh is feeling his mortality. I didn't know a dessicated piece of ancient neck skin could feel anything, but mortality would not have been my first guess. (My first guess: obsequious)

But Josh says he's seen a glimpse of his fate, and he looks as glum as a stale corn chip in a Batman suit can look. And there's no reasoning with him. I told him that PZ's cracker was already condemned, but he still has a chance, if only some Catholics would get off their knees and get busy.

Not that they've seemed interested so far.

So, it's past time for a new demand!

You know what I miss about Mass? Latin. When I was in retrieving Josh, I could understand every word. There was nothing left to the imagination. This negatively impacted the message.

When you can understand the language, you can imagine the priest is calling for social activism, equal rights, and charitable spirits. The reality is that in English, it's all about reading your Bible, don't have unapproved sex, and how it would be great if everyone was Catholic and tithed regularly.

Thanks, Vatican II!

So let's do a Mass old school. I don't mean Latin. I wouldn't do that to anyone. Let's do Pig Latin. One mass, in America, with an audience of at least 200. In Pig Latin. Ig-pay Atin-lay.

And do it soon. Josh needs a pick-me-up!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Day Ten-point-Five: God 1, Cracker Liberation League 0

So my flight got canceled because of the bad weather, and I'm sitting in a nearby swanky hotel snacking high on the food chain (fried monkey rinds).

The lightning was pretty spectacular, but the timing was bad. Never even got on the plane! If that's the best you can do, G, then Unca Donohue needs to teach you a few things about tantrums.

Josh is in good spirits. I told him that if he observes a 24-hour Rap Ban, then he can ride in my computer bag tomorrow. So that'll be...

Shit. He found the room service menu and there's a phone in the bathroom. I gotta go...

Day Ten: Perhaps I Was Too Hasty...

Hello Crackheads!

On the phone again. Actually at the airport to come home. Josh is checked back in, although he's less enthusiastic than on the way out. See, the underwear he's wrapped in was clean when we flew out.

Serves him right, though. The last thing I heard from the little gangbanger was "buttcrack is wack!" That sort of thing can't go unpunished.

I'm thinking I shouldn't have tweaked the beard of the person claiming to be Josh's dad. See, I'm skeptical, but suddenly the weather sucks here. I figure either I'll be stuck here overnight, or the plane will crash and they'll find my pristine luggage miraculously sitting on top of the giant twisted pile of smoking metal. I should have put Sir Bless-A-Lot in my shirt pocket.

Which reminds me. Josh is becoming socially aware. (That's another change, Catholics.) He thinks the title of this blog is racist. He says he'd rather be called a wafer.

I'm not changing the name, but let me straighten this out: this blog is not about protecting white people's rights (including the right to a persecution complex). While sucking the arrogance out of Bill Donohue can only be good, that's not my goal. Sometimes a cracker is just a cracker. If you have a different goal, please visit the
official GOP website.

Okay, off to go look miserable at the gate. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Day Nine: Going Native

Sorry for not posting an update yesterday. It's a vacation for Josh, but some of us are here for work. I need to keep this job, especially now. You think it's cheap keeping a cracker in cheesecake and Stoli? 'Cause it's not.

I think Josh is integrating more into the 21st century. He's doing well, considering so many of his believers thought the world would end by now. He's sitting around in a homemade Batman outfit watching "classic" rap videos. He wants me to call him DJ Jeezy Christ, but I can't be an enabler for this.

Oh, wait - Josh wants to say something.

Yo, bitches!

As I stroll on the waters of my 'hood Nazareth
I be counting all of you who think you deserve to be blessed
And I've been loavin' and fishing so fast that
Those bastard Romans gonna come nail my ass

Been wasting all my life
Walking 'round this savior's paradise
No time to take a wife
Crank it in a savior's paradise
I'm just here to ease thy strife
In this dirty savior's paradise
Gonna get no drums or fife
Hangin' round this savior's paradise

Peace out!

(Drums or fife? Ouch.)

I wish you could see him do his little fist bump on his chest and point to himself. It's adorable.

Anyhow, nothing from Bill Donohue, but exciting news! We heard from Josh's dad!

The big guy seems a little laid back. Even Josh is suspicious. The God I was expecting would solve the problem with an intercontinental ballistic lightning bolt. I've been wearing rubber knickers for a week and a half now! And I certainly didn't expect God to be Bill Donohue's lickspittle. You would think a loving father would do whatever is necessary to get his son back, but... well... look what he let happen to his son LAST time. I was not expecting to haggle.

Anyway, the negotiations will continue, just in case. I'm going to need some evidence. Some Proof of Afterlife, if you will. After his vacation is over, anyway.

In case it's not the real McCoy, new demand tomorrow! Get ready to tighten your sphincters, Catholics! (See? It's not so funny when someone says it to you, is it?)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Day... Seven?

Posting from the cell phone. Josh might be able to walk on water, heal lepers, and kill fig trees with a glance (you might need to look that one up), but getting a reliable net connection at a cheap hotel is a tall order.

I saw the pope apologized for all the altar boy rape. While I don't hold Herr Holiness personally responsible -- those kids were clearly asking for it what with their smocks and their trembling -- it does sort of tread on my next demand. Bastards.

Josh likes being in a hotel. I don't know why watching TV there is better than watching it at home, but he's become a clicker hound. If you people think it's easy to explain a tampon commercial to a child, try explaining it to someone educated by rabbis 2000 years ago who thought that menstruating was evil. And I don't know how I'm going to straighten him out about yeast infections.

Okay, we're off to see the sights. Constant vigilance!

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Day Six: Getting Upstaged

So Josh and I are having a layover on our flight. At least, I hope Josh is too. He was being a little bitch this morning, so I checked him. (He threatened to grow wroth, but I told him if he behaved himself, we might go see Mamma Mia this weekend. Josh is becoming quite the metro-savior.)

But I'm surfing the net to kill time, and I come across this video of a guy liberating a Eucharist from a Catholic church. Where have I seen that before?

He's kidnapping it for AIDS in Africa, though. A worthy cause, and I like his style of storing his cracker in a condom. But jeez... I guess my mistake is not doing this on video. Print is truly dead. Be looking for my direct-to-YouTube movie The Cracker of the Christ.

Before I could work up any righteous anger about this, I found another video of a man electrocuting a pickle to demonstrate the power of Christianity, and life was all good again.

No word yet from the Catholics, but with all this competition, I guess it's no surprise they are taking awhile to get to me. Take your time, Catholics! It's not like I'm running out of demands, and Josh hasn't even begun to grow mold yet.