Friday, July 18, 2008

Day Five: The Next Demand

Before I get to the next demand, let me warn the Catholics out there that if you get Josh back, you might notice a change. See, I took him to see the new Batman movie at its midnight showing last night, and he loved it. At one point, he said "Truly, this is the greatest story ever told!"

I think I have to make a little cape now. And I can replace his blindfold with a cowl.

Something about the sight of a man with access to fabulous wealth laying waste to evildoers appealed to the little guy.

Me: "See, he doesn't even have super powers. If he could fly or raise the dead, he would be really something."

Josh: "Verily. I hath missed my calling, perhaps. If I were to take a more direct approach with Satan's minions, perhaps I would be more inspirHOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO THAT EVILDOER'S NUGGETS?"

Me: "See how he's saving that one guy there who doesn't think he's worthy of respect, much less worship?"

Josh: "He appears to be faring well with the ladies also. Forgiveth thou my Yiddish, but hatchie matchie. And he hasn't been nailed to anything. I think Caiaphas would get a righteous stomping should he try."

Interestingly, this morning I put him in front of the TV to watch The Greatest Story Ever Told, and he keeps shouting things like "lay waste to that heretic!" So, I'm sorry Catholics, but BatJosh here might be more proactive in thwarting evil if you get him back. Sitting in a pew for an hour a week might not be enough anymore. Start organizing neighborhood watches now, and sign up for some martial arts classes.

Speaking of getting Josh back, that brings us to our next demand. You guys had your chance to get away with just one, but no. Behold:

I want condoms distributed freely among the high school of my choosing for a week, complete with instructions of proper usage.

According to my data, the state that needs the most help in this area is Mississippi. They are #3 in teen pregnancies and #1 in births. It looks like Warren County is in particularly bad shape, so I want you to go to Warren Central High School in Vicksburg and start passing them out.

(Edited to add: After researching a comment from Mark, it appears there is a Catholic high school in the area named for St. Aloysius -- a pathetic excuse for a saint, in my opinion, but he is the patron saint of AIDS caregivers and patients. I think putting condoms into a school named for that guy could be good. I'll leave it up to the Catholics to choose which one. I'm good with either.)

Before you rush down there, it better be during the school year. I don't want some poor nun standing in an empty school building in late July with a box of LifeStyles King Size XL with Optional Laffin' Loofah attachment, using them to play checkers with the janitor.

More demands to come next week. Josh and I are traveling this weekend -- his first time in a plane! He's excited, but I think he'll end up preferring to be bodily carried around by angels.

I'm going to go now to play the Superman movie for him. I might have to get him a gym membership.


A said...

Ok...Josh Christ? My new favorite superhero.

Mark said...

Shouldn't it be a Catholic High School?

CrackerBandit said...

Actually, there is actually a private Catholic high school in the area. St. Aloysius High. I don't know what their mascot is, but judging from Aloysius' story, they are the St. Aloysius Dying Young Virgins. Go fighting virgins!

He is the patron saint of AIDS patients and caregivers. Hmmmmmm. He might approve of having condoms passed out in his school. I'll edit the original post to give Bill Donohue a choice.

I haven't researched him carefully, but it looks like he got canonized during a sainthood open house. His two main accomplishments were living almost his whole life never looking a woman in the face, not even his mother, and dying of kidney failure at 23.

Seriously, he kept his eyes downcast in the presence of women. Pathetic. Unless he was really staring at their breasts, in which case the pope at the time (Sixtus V) must be pretty embarrassed now.

Anyway, it might be interesting introducing condoms into that environment. The kids could honor their saint by doing it doggie style.